Being Gay In Straight Spaces

On Justin Thomas, And Never Turning Off

Probably one of the hardest things about being gay is that you're always on. You're always aware of whose presence you're in, and whether or not that person knows you're gay or not. You can know people for years as an openly gay person and have absolutely no idea if the other person knows or not. It's difficult, mostly because you're in the dark, and always having to be "on".

In some spaces - politics definitely being one - you're mostly okay letting your guard down. You're much more surrounded by like minded thinkers, especially amongst younger people. Even amongst the campus Conservatives I met in my time at University, there was never an issue - we would routinely mingle, and there was never any hesitation or reticence to treat me as an equal. If we were telling war stories, as it were, then my war stories were as valuable as any others. It was a freeing feeling - a liberating sense that can only be described as the moment you land after a long business trip, except instead of the business trip lasting two weeks, it had been happening since you were 11 years old.

It was, and is, always a hard balance - of what to say and how to say it, how to live as a gay man in a straight world, how to be gay in straight spaces. The rules for how to act, for how to be, for what I can and can't get away with doesn't exist - societal norms and expectations are all written for an audience I am not a part of. These are fairly menial problems, not comparable to those faced by previous generations, but they exist - there, gnawing at you as you try and figure out how to live your life. And then there are times when you start to wonder whether your presence in a space is wanted, or merely tolerated.

…

On Saturday, the Number 3 golfer in the world, Justin Thomas, missed a short par putt at an event I wasn't even bothering to watch because there was football on. That wasn't the notable part - what was was the fact that he said "faggot" in response to that miss. When asked about it after the round, Thomas gave a full and forthright apology, which is more than can be said for many people who have said that word in previous contexts, but it still fucking hurts. I love Thomas, and have rooted for his success for six years now. His run with friend Jordan Spieth at the 2018 Ryder Cup remains a highlight of my sports watching life - the sheer joy of the two of them interacting, and the arrogance as they tore through the Europeans when nobody else could - overjoyed me. And now it just sucks.

I can try and say that I think he's a better person than this, and that it's just a mistake, but that would be bullshit because I like the guy. I didn't give Kobe or Rajon Rondo that benefit of the doubt when they were found to have said the same word, and the reason why was simple - I didn't like either of those players. I love JT as an athlete, so my brain goes to trying to excuse it, because I don't want to believe or accept that someone who I want to succeed so much is a bad person.

Is this about Thomas? Sure, but it's not just about Thomas. That struggle - of trying to rationalize and apologize for otherwise good people, or people you like - is just the lowest stakes version of what being gay in straight spaces is about. It's about being drunk in a bar and hearing your friend tell a fellow drunkard to "get off me, fag" as you both awkwardly maneuver in a tight space. It's about getting a text asking you to "tone it down" while at a party, and then getting the apologetic explanation later that night. It's about becoming the centre of attention at a dinner because everyone suddenly thinks that very invasive questions about one's sex life, that I would no doubt be punched out for asking of straight people, are suddenly fair game. But most of all, it's accepting all of that because of fear - what if they're as good as it gets.

Figuring out how to be gay in a straight space is in some ways harder than coming terms with what you are. I've known for coming on 13 years I was gay, and I've never really been unsure about what it meant or what I wanted. What was so unsure - and what kept me in the closet for so long - was a fear that I wouldn't know how to live as an openly gay man in a straight world. Having been out for nearly 8 years, I still don't know much. What is clear, however, is that being gay is accepting rules I don't set, and being at the whim of people whose sensibilities I know nothing of, and can't control. And that is fucking tiring.

I have no idea what the right sanction for the PGA Tour should be, or what it even could be. Bar him from a couple of tournaments? Well, he isn't playing the next two weeks anyways, and even if you tried to force him to miss the next two weeks he was going to play, that's easily manipulated - and, an off week for a golfer isn't much of a sanction. Of course, I like the guy and want to continue to watch him play golf, so my instincts aren't exactly pure here. Were this someone I don't like (Patrick Reed, say), I have doubts about whether I'd be advocating leniency.

What I do know is that these problems won't go away just because gay people and allies complain about them on Twitter. It's not just about him using the word, as much as that hurts. It's about how gay people live in a straight world, and our experience is defined by what we aren't. I don't get to just be a sports fan, no - when you bring homophobia into a sport, I'm no longer the same as everyone else. Thomas ended up losing the tournament by a stroke, and for the first time in something like 5 years I was rooting against him - something I never do.

Thomas' asinine, offensive remark will probably be shortly forgotten - I assume the plane ride home from Hawaii to Florida will be spent figuring out a large donation he can make to buy himself some good will and prove this isn't who he is. That he will be doing so as much to protect his valuable endorsements as any generosity of spirit will have to be forgiven. But what shouldn't be forgotten is that what made Thomas' remarks so much worse is that his remarks made people like me actively remember that no matter how hard we try, we don't ever get to be like everyone else. We don't get to turn off and fully relax, not even watching the fucking Tournament Of Champions, apparently. On a weekend after the week the world has had, all I wanted was to turn off my brain and just relax, and it is just pure agony that even this thing that I love, and this athlete that I admire so, made it impossible to forget that I will always be Gay In Straight Spaces.